Resisting the urge to flee while finding the courage to stay.

Yesterday, I caught myself looking up flights to foreign countries. It didn't matter which country; I think I looked up flights to all continents minus Antarctica. Last week, I found myself googling "International non-profit jobs" (which apparently is way too broad of a search because it just made me overwhelmed with the options…). 

Needless to say, I'm itching to get out. If you ask me why, I'd probably say something like "To experience new cultures, meet new people, and just have adventures! This is the time of my life to do it!" After some introspection, I realize that while those are wonderful attributes to traveling and totally true, my honest motivation for getting away right now is just that: to get away. 

to flee.

to avoid my unhappiness.

to feel as if my life has true joy - not forced joy as it seems to be here. 

to meet people I actually feel like I connect with. 

This year has been rough. While I'm still choosing joy in my struggles, it has not been a walk in the park - and I'm trying to be honest with myself and others about those feelings. I know life isn't always San Diego acai bowls and trips to the Great Wall of China, but wowzers. I'm living in a town in which I can't seem to connect with people (coworkers and classmates are my saving grace), committing so much of my time, effort, and money to a grad program in which I love my classmates but am not sure I want to do what it's setting me up to do (Marriage and Family Therapy) and struggling being away from home as my grandmother battles cancer. We just had to put my childhood cat down, my heart has been hurt a few times this year by guys (mostly unintentionally or unknowingly on their part), and I've never experienced loneliness on a level like this in my entire life. 

I want to flee.

When people hear of my past travels, the reactions are often "You did each of those alone?! You're so brave!" or "I would never have the guts to do that, especially alone!" My thought these days is that those travels yes, took courage, but it's taking much more resolve and determination to stay. 

Sometimes, I believe God calls us to go. But I also believe that there are times when He tells us to stay. To persevere. To stick out the struggles and the loneliness and the uncertainty. I guess I am in one of those times (because really…have I mentioned that I would love to book a one-way ticket somewhere right now?!)

My parents were visiting me last weekend and as we were talking about my perfect, fabulous little apartment; my encouraging, loving coworkers; and the way school, work and living have all worked together perfectly, my [wise] dad made this statement, "It's almost as if you are exactly where you're supposed to be."

It's so true. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's not where I'd maybe like to be, but I believe God has me here for a purpose.

I guess I'll refrain from buying one of those one-way plane tickets….for now.

[Also, a major thank you to all of you who have been such a support for me this past year - there have been way too many times in which you have been overwhelmingly awesome and encouraging and I'm SO grateful for you.]

Choosing to keep my eyes open.

I love music. I love music that I feel speaks to my soul. Music that just "gets" me. Music that fits my mood, thoughts, etc. Usually, if you were to ask me, I can tell you a song that is just me in that particular time of my life. If I look back on my "songs", I can see where I was in life - "Move Along" by All-American Rejects (I know, I'm dating myself) was totally freshman year of college when life was rough, "Time of Your Life" by Green Day is study abroad in Ireland, and "Good Life" by OneRepublic was definitely representative of my adventures in South Korea.

I'm assuming most of you have heard the huge hit these days "Wake Me Up" by Avicii, a phenomenal Swedish DJ/remixer. If you haven't, here's the youtube so you have an idea what I'm talking about. 

I thought that this was my "song" for now. However, I've really been thinking about it, and I've decided that I don't like this song. Now before you are like "whaaaat?!", Hear me out. 

Realistically, I love this song. It's the perfect mix of country, pop, and house music. 

I admittedly listen to it all the time.

But the lyrics kill me. 

The main line of the chorus is "So wake me up when it's all over - When I'm wiser and I'm older"

I think so many of my generation do this. We are closing our eyes to the world around us because we don't want to deal with it. Many of us are overeducated and under experienced. We are either marrying quickly without full commitment or waiting for "the one" and time seems to be flying away from us. We are hoping for a dream job, our student loans to magically disappear, and the world to be fixed magically while we "figure our own lives out" (usually in the form of posting on Facebook and Instagram our biggest accomplishments and being envious of others)

But I don't think that's what we as humans should be doing. I believe God created us to live. Not to only live when it is good. Not to close our eyes to the evil and despair in our world, but to recognize it, fight against it, and have hope. If we close our eyes and hope to be "woken" when it's all over, we are wasting our time. You're missing your life.

So even when life isn't going exactly how I'd like it to be, I want to keep my eyes open. The rough patches of life are just as important and influential as the easy times. These rough times will teach me, mold me, and make me appreciate the joyful moments.

So I'm going to keep my eyes open.

Choose joy. (a.k.a. my life is not perfect.)

It has come to my attention recently that I've become quite good at portraying my life as absolutely wonderful via social media and even in my responses to "how are you?"/"How is life?"

I'm going to be honest with you all right now.

My life is not perfect.

I have doubts, fears, challenges, heartbreaks, sickness, sadness, and anger.
I feel intense loneliness, snap at people, cry my eyes out, worry about my life, and make major mistakes.

Daily.

but through all of this, I choose joy.

I make a conscious decision daily to choose joy. To focus on what is positive in my life and not to dwell on what is not going the way I'd like it. To look for the little things in life that can make me smile. To thank God for these little things. To put the joy before the frustration, hurt, sadness, etc.

Sometimes I definitely fail at choosing joy, but I believe that there is something positive to be found in all situations. While it may seem miniscule, there is always something beautiful to be found and to be thankful for.  I believe that God can make anything beautiful. That He takes something we perceive as ugly, horrific, degrading, frustrating, you name it, and can bring some sort of beauty out of it.

That is what I seek. To find the joy, the beauty, the laughter in life.

One thing that always makes me joyful, no matter what has transpired throughout the day:

A gorgeous sunset.
 

“I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.”

― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

Rest.

Wow. Life flies when you're in grad school and working. Actually, I'm pretty sure it flies no matter what, but that's just what's making it fly for me these days.

I feel like this is the first time since August that I actually have time to write, let alone want to begin typing. Between sitting at a computer pretty much all day for my job (yes, I have a job now! I work 30hrs/week in the Registrar's office at my university and it's perfect for during grad school) and spending seemingly every waking minute out of class and work either reading grad school scholarly articles or writing papers, I just have no drive to write (or sadly, read) even for pleasure when I get a rare free moment!

That being said, I'm here. It's my Christmas break, and I'm lucky enough to have 2 weeks off of school and 10 days of being off of work, so I'm spending it at my parent's house.

As I am constantly being challenged in my program and just balancing work, school, and sanity, the word REST has been prominent in my mind recently. It's so essential to take a few moments (or hours, if you can spare them) and just rest. Whether that means literally taking a nap, watching mindless TV, or lounging with a good book, I have to find my time to rest.

A few weeks ago, I rested when I had a mound of papers and projects to finish. You see, it snowed quite heavily in Redding, and I was like a child in the snow. In the morning after it snowed all night, I took a walk through it down through some trails I normally run. It was absolutely breathtaking. The peace and serenity of the perfect, untouched snow was beautiful. At one point, I couldn't see anyone else. It was just me, the snow, and God. And it was wonderful. It was my way of resting.

I usually hate New Years resolutions because I tend to break them and feel guilty. But that is definitely one of my goals for this year. To take time to rest.

Currently, I'm sitting on the floor in front of a hot fire in the fireplace at my parents' while sipping hot tea.

Maybe it won't be as difficult as I had anticipated. ;)

When the going gets tough, run away.

I'm going to be honest.

Last week was rough. 

Real rough. 

I won't get into it all, but I cried myself to sleep, rocked a job interview but then decided to take the risk and turn down the job once it was offered to me, classes were challenging both academically, spiritually, and emotionally, and I just felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. 

So you know what I did? I threw in the towel. I kept thinking: "Get me out of here" - so that's what I did. I grabbed a few things and headed up to Scott Valley for the weekend. Scott Valley is where Kidder Creek Orchard Camp is - the place that challenged me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for two summers. In the 36 hrs that I was there, I was able to bask in the natural beauty of the valley, reminisce about a formative time in my life, connect with a few friends that really know me (really. camp friends have seen you at your worst and your best!), eat the best blackberry pie, and just let the Lord renew my perspective and speak into my life.

Can you spot the 2 deer??

My amazing (ly hilarious) friend Theresa let me sleep on her couch. 

We went on a hike and ended up WAY farther up than we had intended. It was so worth it.

 Rain is best in the mountains.

 Kidder is nestled cozily back in those mountains.

 Scott Valley. My happy place. (well the one near here) 

Sometimes I can't believe that this gorgeous place was my home for two summers!

Visiting Jen and Craig Thompson at Rockside Ranch!

On a whim, I had left all of my academic reading but had thrown in my Bible and journal (something I haven't written in in over a year). Late Saturday night, I was able to just spend some time pouring my heart out to God through writing - curled up under a sleeping bag in an old ranch house with the sound of the horse pasture/apple orchard sprinklers as the soundtrack. It was so needed. 

Sometimes its so necessary for us to just run away from our problems. We can't run away for forever, but we can run away with the purpose of viewing them from a different angle, a different purpose, or a different plan of attack. I have attacked this week with a renewed vigor, appreciation for this challenge, and overall purpose. I needed that time away to see things from a new light.

On a related/unrelated note, you don't know what you'll experience when you do "run away." I was afraid that returning to Kidder Creek after a span of 3 years would make me feel even more lonely as I know it is just so different from when I was there (and I'm different too!). BUT I wrote this in my journal and I stand by it.

 "While so much is different, one thing remains: God is fully present in this place. There is brokenness and change, but Kidder Creek and Scott Valley are still places of challenge, restoration, and most importantly, renewed hope."

So if you're overwhelmed with life, run to a place that brings you joy. Just make sure that once you're there, you look back at your issue with the new perspective - because you can't run forever.

Welcome to my new mini-casa!! - New Apartment Video Tour

Hey all, for those of you who've been waiting to see my apartment, wait no longer! Here is a wonderfully crafted video tour complete with unintentional witty (and not-so witty) commentary!

I think I can, I think I can...

Can't.

I hate that word. Well, that contraction, because really, it's two words put together. Obviously all of my English teaching/tutoring has taken over my life. Anyway, I hate it. Can't that is, not English. 

The words can not generally imply that you are not capable. Often, we use them as substitutes for "you are not allowed" etc. but if you really look into it, it means that that person/thing is not capable.

Switching gears a bit, I have great parents.  One thing they never did was to tell me that I "can't" do something. They may have used the phrase in connection with "not allowed" - for example, "No Rachel, you can't eat ALL of the cookie dough." or "Rachel, you simply can't come to the dinner table after spending all day horseback riding without washing your hands!" However, in connection with the true meaning, even from a young age, I don't ever remember them telling me that I was incapable of something. I was encouraged to try and they were and still are my greatest supporters.

Here's a prime example: Obviously those logs are just small enough not to smash my feet too bad when I inevitably drop one on my toes...but they are letting me try (or just enjoying the free child labor)

Time and time again, they've told me "Rachel, if you want to do this, we have no doubt that you can." Whether it be undergrad, study abroad, teaching in South Korea, or moving to Redding for grad school, they've been the best support.

And as I've just completed my first week of classes in my Masters in Counseling Psychology program at Simpson University and am overwhelmed and still scared out of my mind, they are still reminding me that if I really want this (and Lord knows that I do), that I can.

One analogy I like to think about in regards to this is a child reaching on their tiptoes for something: maybe a cookie jar or in this society, mom or dad's cell phone on the table.  It might seem impossible at first, and maybe at that moment they genuinely aren't capable of reaching it, but if they keep trying as they grow, they will eventually will be able to reach the object.  On the contrary, if they give up and do not try anymore, they will never know when they are capable.

So because I decided that completing my first week of classes called for a celebratory glass of red wine, CHEERS to knowing that whatever in life that we set our minds to, we can.

                    

“Without difficulties, life would be like a stream without rocks and curves – about as interesting as concrete. Without problems, there can be no personal growth, no group achievement, no progress of humanity. But what mattes about problems is what one does with them.” 
― Benjamin Hoff, The Te Of Piglet

(and I PROMISE the next post will have a tour of my apartment!)