When the going gets tough, run away.

I'm going to be honest.

Last week was rough. 

Real rough. 

I won't get into it all, but I cried myself to sleep, rocked a job interview but then decided to take the risk and turn down the job once it was offered to me, classes were challenging both academically, spiritually, and emotionally, and I just felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. 

So you know what I did? I threw in the towel. I kept thinking: "Get me out of here" - so that's what I did. I grabbed a few things and headed up to Scott Valley for the weekend. Scott Valley is where Kidder Creek Orchard Camp is - the place that challenged me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for two summers. In the 36 hrs that I was there, I was able to bask in the natural beauty of the valley, reminisce about a formative time in my life, connect with a few friends that really know me (really. camp friends have seen you at your worst and your best!), eat the best blackberry pie, and just let the Lord renew my perspective and speak into my life.

Can you spot the 2 deer??

My amazing (ly hilarious) friend Theresa let me sleep on her couch. 

We went on a hike and ended up WAY farther up than we had intended. It was so worth it.

 Rain is best in the mountains.

 Kidder is nestled cozily back in those mountains.

 Scott Valley. My happy place. (well the one near here) 

Sometimes I can't believe that this gorgeous place was my home for two summers!

Visiting Jen and Craig Thompson at Rockside Ranch!

On a whim, I had left all of my academic reading but had thrown in my Bible and journal (something I haven't written in in over a year). Late Saturday night, I was able to just spend some time pouring my heart out to God through writing - curled up under a sleeping bag in an old ranch house with the sound of the horse pasture/apple orchard sprinklers as the soundtrack. It was so needed. 

Sometimes its so necessary for us to just run away from our problems. We can't run away for forever, but we can run away with the purpose of viewing them from a different angle, a different purpose, or a different plan of attack. I have attacked this week with a renewed vigor, appreciation for this challenge, and overall purpose. I needed that time away to see things from a new light.

On a related/unrelated note, you don't know what you'll experience when you do "run away." I was afraid that returning to Kidder Creek after a span of 3 years would make me feel even more lonely as I know it is just so different from when I was there (and I'm different too!). BUT I wrote this in my journal and I stand by it.

 "While so much is different, one thing remains: God is fully present in this place. There is brokenness and change, but Kidder Creek and Scott Valley are still places of challenge, restoration, and most importantly, renewed hope."

So if you're overwhelmed with life, run to a place that brings you joy. Just make sure that once you're there, you look back at your issue with the new perspective - because you can't run forever.

Welcome to my new mini-casa!! - New Apartment Video Tour

Hey all, for those of you who've been waiting to see my apartment, wait no longer! Here is a wonderfully crafted video tour complete with unintentional witty (and not-so witty) commentary!

I think I can, I think I can...

Can't.

I hate that word. Well, that contraction, because really, it's two words put together. Obviously all of my English teaching/tutoring has taken over my life. Anyway, I hate it. Can't that is, not English. 

The words can not generally imply that you are not capable. Often, we use them as substitutes for "you are not allowed" etc. but if you really look into it, it means that that person/thing is not capable.

Switching gears a bit, I have great parents.  One thing they never did was to tell me that I "can't" do something. They may have used the phrase in connection with "not allowed" - for example, "No Rachel, you can't eat ALL of the cookie dough." or "Rachel, you simply can't come to the dinner table after spending all day horseback riding without washing your hands!" However, in connection with the true meaning, even from a young age, I don't ever remember them telling me that I was incapable of something. I was encouraged to try and they were and still are my greatest supporters.

Here's a prime example: Obviously those logs are just small enough not to smash my feet too bad when I inevitably drop one on my toes...but they are letting me try (or just enjoying the free child labor)

Time and time again, they've told me "Rachel, if you want to do this, we have no doubt that you can." Whether it be undergrad, study abroad, teaching in South Korea, or moving to Redding for grad school, they've been the best support.

And as I've just completed my first week of classes in my Masters in Counseling Psychology program at Simpson University and am overwhelmed and still scared out of my mind, they are still reminding me that if I really want this (and Lord knows that I do), that I can.

One analogy I like to think about in regards to this is a child reaching on their tiptoes for something: maybe a cookie jar or in this society, mom or dad's cell phone on the table.  It might seem impossible at first, and maybe at that moment they genuinely aren't capable of reaching it, but if they keep trying as they grow, they will eventually will be able to reach the object.  On the contrary, if they give up and do not try anymore, they will never know when they are capable.

So because I decided that completing my first week of classes called for a celebratory glass of red wine, CHEERS to knowing that whatever in life that we set our minds to, we can.

                    

“Without difficulties, life would be like a stream without rocks and curves – about as interesting as concrete. Without problems, there can be no personal growth, no group achievement, no progress of humanity. But what mattes about problems is what one does with them.” 
― Benjamin Hoff, The Te Of Piglet

(and I PROMISE the next post will have a tour of my apartment!)

The "What if" conundrum.

I am a "what if?" kind of person.

Sometimes "what if"s can be fun:
"What if chocolate made us lose weight?"
"What if I won the lottery (and didn't even have to pay taxes on it?!)?"
"What if the everyone decided to genuinely care for others?"
"What if I just bought a one-way ticket to some far off land?"

But more often than not, the "what if"s in life get me in trouble.  And by trouble, I don't mean police coming after me - more of an internal trouble.  I'm a doubter.  I tend to have more, "what if I should have told him what I really thought" "What if I should NOT have told him what I really thought" "What if I never find a full time job and live in my polka-dotted room at my parents' house for foreverrrr?" and the latest, plaguing one: "What if I made a huge mistake by picking Simpson University in Redding for grad school?!"

It's been this nagging question that I perpetuate by continuously comparing it to the schools in San Diego, Fresno, and Turlock.  Did I really make the right decision??

The answer is yes. The past couple weeks, I've had so many distinct reassurances that Redding is where I'm supposed to be for at least the next 2 years.

A few weeks ago, I had the joy of horseback riding with my best friend around her and her husband's cattle ranch.  I have grown up riding with her and while we've had our adventures while riding (there has been a bee swarm incident and a jumping bareback incident that I will save for another time), it is always so refreshing and rejuvenating.  This time while we were riding (for almost 3 hrs I might add!), in addition to just loving being back in the saddle because I hadn't ridden in almost a year, I was able to really verbally process the changes that will happen the next few months. She lives on acres and acres of beautiful land and I remember thinking, "THIS is the type of living I love." Instead of continuing the "What if?"s, I drove away from her house feeling at peace with the decision to move to Redding and quite a bit sore from riding for so long, but that's beside the point.  I am a country girl, plain a simple.  I love nature, being outdoors, and relishing in the natural beauty God so graciously surrounded us with. God is calling me to Redding to allow that appreciation to flourish, I'm sure of it.

Then, about a week later, I was finishing lunch with a few friends when we saw a mutual friend who happened to have attended Simpson for a bit in undergrad and who happened to be with her best friend who STILL lives in Redding! She introduced us, and the friend was instantly encouraging - saying I will need to come over for dinner when I get settled and meet her roommates. I was enveloped in a sense that I will be able to find a solid group of friends in yet another city. Blessing numero dos.

Best "Summer Salad" at Dust Bowl!

Lastly, I've been working on getting housing situated for a few months; I pretty much decided on a particular apartment complex, had been in contact with the property manager, and was waiting to see if the type of apartment I desired would become available.  Well, I was getting a little nervous because the timing necessary for someone to put in notice, move out, have the apartment cleaned, etc. and was even resigning myself to being willing to pay extra for a 2 bedroom if the apartment I wanted didn't come available.  However, Judy (the property manager who's like my best friend now) to the rescue!! She called saying that someone had just put in notice to vacate the type of apartment I wanted, AND it would be ready the exact weekend I was hoping to move in.  God. is. Good.

So, I've decided to hang up my "what if" hat. At least concerning my decision to move to Redding and attend Simpson.  I've questioned it, I've been reassured, and I am just beating my head against a wall if I keep questioning.  Plus, I just signed my life away for loans to Simpson, so I'm stuck. ;) But really, I'm excited. Redding is where I'm supposed to be.

“There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing.” 
― Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality

Life Lessons and Hilarities of Being a Substitute Teacher.

Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be a substitute teacher for a year, especially at my former junior high and high school. However, I was, and it was phenomenal.  Yes, I know that is crazy talk. Substitute teaching is supposed to be terrible - attempting to wrangle those crazy kids into some semblance of productivity while they are thinking, "while the teacher is away, the children will play." While some days they did drive me absolutely insane (mostly the junior highers), overall, I loved it. I laughed a ton and always walked away from a day of subbing with a ridiculous story to share with friends and family. Going into it, I thought, "This is going to be a piece of cake because of teaching in South Korea. I mean, I can actually communicate so much better on a daily basis and they'll know what I want them to do!" While the teaching experience helped, there was SO much to subbing that I couldn't have imagined.

While subbing, I learned so much.

At the junior high...

• I learned that seating charts are the bane of junior highers' existence and telling students to stay in them will cause lots of whining.
• I learned that it's not impossible to have this exchange with a group of 7th grade boys:
• Them  (holding their shirts out in front of them) - "Miss Milhous, do you know what Icy-Hot is?" 
• Me (nervously) - "uhhh yes..."
• Them - "Well we put it on our nipples! it BURNS!"
• I learned that in every class where you feel like you are resisting pulling the fire alarm to get you out of this class without killing them, there is always a sweet one in there somewhere.
• There is one 6th grade period class that is absolutely horrible behavior-wise. After my 2nd day in that class within one week and at the end of my rope, it all was remedied when the sweetest, little soft spoken girl comes up to me after class and says, "Miss Milhous, thank you for subbing for us today. I hope you have a great weekend." Made it all worth it.
• I learned that a nickname for me can be "Miss MilFUN!"
• I learned that it may be necessary to say things that seem ridiculous. I once had to say to a 7th grade boy - "No, do NOT put that ruler down your pants!"
• I learned that in every class, there will be a kid that physically cannot stay in his or her seat for more than a few minutes. Whether he/she is getting water, asking to use the restroom, trying to be sly and move by his friends, or just bugging other students, he/she will always be up.
• I learned that while junior highers are awkward in general, they are especially awkward when they run. It's like those growth spurts and awkward feelings translate into flying limbs and a non-smooth gait.
• I learned patience. Well, I tried to learn patience.

And my favorite..at the high school...

• I learned that high school boys think they are really cool.
• I learned that if you act like you think they're cool too, they'll tell you, "Miss Milhous, we've got your back." and then will yell at the class to be quiet so you can talk. It's great.
• I learned that subbing at a rural school means it's not weird to look around during class and see  a hilarious high school boy wearing Wranglers and boots picking hay flakes off of the other Wrangler and boots wearing kid in front of him because they were working in the field across the street last period.
• I learned that it's impossible to call former teachers by their first name. They will ALWAYS be Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So.
• I learned the opposite of that also - some former teachers will never stop seeing you (and treating you) as a student...and that is frustrating.
• I learned that high school girls are just as catty and drama-filled as I remember.
• I learned (well was affirmed) that taking the time to simply listen earnestly to a student can change his or her life.
• I learned that it's possible to teach an entire Advanced Algebra lesson/concept even when you don't think you remember how to do it yourself.
• I learned that if you act confident, it works.
• student - "Miss Milhous, do we need to fill out this paper and when is it due?"
• me - "uhhhh" (looks on sub plan and there's nothing about it...)
• me - "yes, you sure do have to do that. And this worksheet should be ready to turn in at the beginning of class tomorrow." 
• I learned that going back to my alma mater where I have some of my most cherished memories of Hughson will cause you to have constant flashbacks.
• I also learned that these flashbacks will make you deal with past hurts and frustrations from high school.
• I learned that it is possible to walk on campus and see a student in gym shorts, cowboy boots, and a track jersey riding a skateboard. (and it's really hard to hide your joy at this combo)
• I learned that things you did in high school will come full circle when you come back as a student - like when you write "Milhous was here" underneath posters and it's discovered while you are subbing 10 yrs later.

It's weird as a substitute teacher who subs frequently for small schools.  You pour into these students' lives random day after random day, and yet you don't really get to claim them as your students.  I'm so glad that I had the chance to genuinely get to know many of them and that they felt comfortable with me; It's crazy how many students I have seen outside of school now and they have always acknowledged me, and I have heard more than once as I walk away from them explaining to whoever they are with, "That's Miss Milhous; she's my favorite sub!"It always brings a smile to my face.

But for now, Miss Milhous (or Miss MilFUN as the 7th graders call me), is hanging up her teacher hat and picking up the student hat.

Found my picture still on the Physical Education
Wall of Fame in the Junior High gym!

Back to the classroom after my vacation
to Chicago and the East Coast.
You can tell how I felt about that.

A high school classroom's pet hamster, Ted!

Lining up ALL the 8th graders for a photo.

One day I was a 7th grade science teacher,
and I lead a Leaf Lab.

Another day, I was a high school Advanced Algebra teacher.
That was MUCH more difficult.

Kicking my feet up at lunch
in aforementioned Advanced Algebra class 

High School ASB Speeches

Signs in the staff bathroom that had me rolling in laughter.
Jokesters, those teachers.

You know, just across the street from the High School.

Some of my favorite 8th Graders
 (but I seriously loved the entire 8th grade class!!)

I sure am.

by the way, I'm moving to Redding, CA in about 2 months!! ahhh!!

Moving into the unknown....yet again.

I just love the way life works.

I love that we often cannot see the big picture, and that while we are seemingly drowning in sorrows, struggles, and trials, God is simultaneously building us up, creating more character, moving us forward and ultimately covering us in grace and love.

Last spring, I felt lost. I had been rejected academically and professionally. Finding my niche back in Hughson was a struggle, let alone figuring out how to balance the independence I had cultivated in South Korea with living back in my [wonderful] parents' home.

A year later, I thoroughly love the two jobs I have, I was accepted to all four graduate programs I applied to, I have renewed old and discovered new wonderful friendships, I have been able to spend a great amount of time with my sister and her family, and I am now getting ready for the next adventure - moving to Redding to attend Simpson University's Master's program in Counseling Psychology so that I can work towards being a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Life is good.

As I usually am before big changes, I'm nervous, excited, and slightly sad - all at the same time. That's the beauty of change to me; It's never just a walk in the park. It's a walk in the park where you might step in dog poop. Or a walk where you meet an amazing person. Or a walk where you catch yourself with one person on your mind that you haven't seen in forever. Or a walk where you trip in front of a group of people and just have to laugh at yourself. Or a walk where no one is on the swing set so you jump on and go as high as you dare. Or a walk when all of that happens. 

The thing is: you will never know what happens on that walk unless you take it. It's unknown unless you try.

BUT. One thing I do know is this:

No matter what happens on that walk,

God is good and He loves you more than you can imagine.

Tug-o-War

Have you ever seen or even participated in a full out game of Tug-o-War? I'm talking a no holds barred, put your back into it, give it all you've got game. Maybe the teams are enemies and are trash talking each other as they pull.  When the flag finally passes onto one side or the other team gives up, there is a clear winner.  There are no rounds, halves, or 2nd chances.

Last week, I found out that I am offered positions in the Masters in Counseling Psychology: Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Simpson University as well as in the Masters in Clinical Psychology: Marriage and Family Therapy Program through Azusa Pacific University's satellite campus in San Diego. They are my top two choices - which makes this totally exciting! While I'm still waiting to hear back from my other two applications - programs at CSU Stanislaus and Fresno Pacific University, Simpson and APU have always been my top choices, so I'm pretty set!

However, while I'm glad that I am offered these positions, they also are, quite frankly, freaking me out.  Because choices eventually equal having to make a decision. One that I don't feel prepared to make.

In my life, I have made lots of big decisions.  Ones that have sent me across the state for 4 years for university, took me on a 4 month adventure to study abroad in Ireland, or even taken me to South Korea for a whole year! While these decisions obviously had alternate choices, I've always had a clear idea of what I wanted; I just waited for the green light through acceptance to programs and whatnot.  In this case, I don't know what I want.  And it scares me.  There are too many pros and cons. Blah.

In comes the tug-o-war in my poor little noggin.  Pretty much every spare moment I have is consumed with thinking about pros and cons of each program.  Price, location, people, distance, program qualities, internship opportunities, blah blah blah.  I feel as if each program has a side of the rope and is pulling with all of its might. One of these days in the near future, I'll have to make a decision, and one side will have the flag pass over to their side.

No matter what, I know I'll end up where I'm supposed to be, because both programs are wonderful in different ways and have their own downfalls.

One thing that I'm going to try and do in this pre-decision time, is to just relax. Last Friday, I was super stressed about this decision.  I was able to go up to my best friend Stephanie and her husband's ranch in La Grange, and while he was out of town, have such  a good, relaxing, stress-relieving time. She lives on an absolutely gorgeous cattle ranch where we went shooting (I shot a 22 for the first time ever!), rode around and got a tour of the ranch on the 4-wheeler, ate dinner at this old restored saloon/bar that is the only restaurant in the tiny town, and just laugh a TON.  The night up there was honestly like a mini-vacation that helped me to get perspective on my situation and thoughts.  I am so blessed to have a best friend that is so encouraging, lets me rant and rave about the never ending pros and cons, and just make me laugh.

I honestly think I'm getting closer to a decision, but who knows. Big decisions are daunting, but I know in this case, it'll all work out the way it's supposed to. It always does.