vulnerability.

this concept of vulnerability has been coming up frequently in my mind lately.  What does it mean to be vulnerable? Who should we be vulnerable to? When should we draw the line between vulnerability and trusting too much? (and/or setting ourselves up to be hurt?)

I think I have been questioning this because of my position here in Korea. On one hand, I have put myself in an inevitable position of being constantly vulnerable. I am vulnerable to different sicknesses here than home, to having to encounter new people and uncomfortable experiences, and to missing home.  However, when I think about it, I hate being vulnerable.  (and now that I have hot chocolate sitting next to me, I will be vulnerable with you, too)

For how logical I claim to be, I laugh at my illogical actions.  Anything that moves has the potential to give me motion sickness, and yet, I fly across the US and world to explore, ride rocky ferries to see islands, take a 7day spring break cruise just to be with my friends, and will willingly go on the most windy, awful bus ride if that means I will be able to raft. Same with vulnerability.  I hate being vulnerable and yet I put myself in positions that force me out of my comfort zone.  I move places on my own, pour myself into relationships and friendships that have a high failure probability, and often put myself in positions where I think "there's no way I can actually do this." whether it's walking into a room of people I don't know, leading a group or class and feeling way over my head, or lasting a year in South Korea. I highly highly dislike that feeling, and yet I challenge myself with it every day.

For me, the results are worth more than the cost.  When I travel, yes, I will feel sick for a few hours or be knocked out by Dramamine, but the amazing memories created with the people I have traveled to see or places explored or adventures lived are worth more than the uncomfortable moments (or hours or days!) of being sick.  I think same goes for putting myself in challenging positions...I like to see how I cope and overcome and how I come through the situation - usually with a lesson learned.

Because I've been hurt by those I trusted in the past, deeper vulnerability is difficult for me.  However, I believe that God calls us to be vulnerable and open in different ways.  I think He wants us to step out of our comfort zone and be vulnerable in our lives for Him.  A youth pastor I had in high school, Brandon, would always encourage us to step out of our comfort zone (when safe and appropriate).  That has seriously stuck with me and I think I have a better faith because of it. I also believe God calls us to be vulnerable with other believers and to ask for prayer and help when you need it.  The Kidder community taught me how to be vulnerable as a believer and with my "story" and consequently, those people have been the best support to me - and I can only hope that I have been the same to them.

Being vulnerable is not always a walk in the park.  It takes courage, risk taking, trust, and willingness.

try it.

"There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community." - Scott Peck

(and now I'm sick of the word vulnerable)  :]